My entire life I’ve envisioned myself as being one who needs to take care of or worry about everyone I love. That is until today. Out of the blue, while trying to connect with my estranged niece on this solemn day of the seventh anniversary of my mother’s death her grandmother; she might as well have punched me in the throat, kicked me in the head, called me a fucking no good looser… because that wouldn’t have hurt me anymore than the words she wrote in a message; that knocked my heart out of my chest and onto the floor sucking the life right out of my body.
The funny thing is that some of what she said was behaviors of mine that I was already well aware of and have changed since I saw her last. According to her at the time of my mother’s funeral the words I spoke to her were mean spirited and apparently she was traumatized by my actions. There is never an excuse for being mean to anyone; especially a child.
What completely caught me off guard and hurt my soul so much is the fact that I didn’t remember a lot of the mean spirited things that she repeated (apparently) verbatim that I had said to her. None of it made me mad, it made me sad that she had been harboring these feelings (most unwarranted for the most part) and all because I wasn’t stable enough during my mother’s illness and then her funeral to make a loving impression on her. And at this particular time she needed all of the love she could grasp onto. Instead, I condemned her and her mother instead of celebrating their goodness and contributions of happiness that they brought to my life.
My mother spent 6 months dying and there were only a few helping her through this process for which I’m most grateful. But in the beginning, middle and end I was left with all the stress and details.
I love my niece and truly wish that we could have been closer, hell, I wish that my sister wasn’t so strung out on drugs and suffering from mental illness that she could have enjoyed her girl’s and been a part of the second half of their lives. She was there for them the first part of their lives and then she just checked out.
If my dear niece only knew the truth about some of the things it would break her into pieces and maybe she does and is taking it out on me and the world. Nevertheless, words do hurt because many times, even though it may appear one way – the person that looks to be the bad guy may be the only guy who was willing to actually do anything. Therefore, is the one left holding all the responsibilities that the lazy ass armchair quarterbacks don’t want to do; they just wanted to criticize the one willing to step up and do what needs to be done. Who knows, and should we really care?
One thing my niece said that really got me to thinking is, “I was taught that blood is thicker than water”. What does that actually mean? Does that mean that we have to endure someone’s hateful shit because we were dealt a hand we don’t like?
My answer to that is NO.
Even though blood may be thicker than water chemically, if someone is making you feel so bad about yourself when you’re around them then NO –You need to walk away and surround yourself with people who will have your back, who will be there for you when you need them. This is a balancing act because people (even relatives) will come and go.
Life is too short to think you HAVE to do anything you’re not happy doing or BE with anyone you hold resentment in your heart for or MAKE yourself love someone you can’t stand hearing their voice or SEEING their name online.
LIFE is Too Short People! Don’t do it!
Find happiness in YOU first – and those who really love you, and are quick to forgive you, and forget what might have been done or said are the people who are your lifeline; they are your oxygen and your blood.
I’m not saying go and ditch all of your friends and relatives that are PMSing and get new ones. I’m just saying if you are harboring ill feelings about someone that say’s or does things that constantly make you feel bad – remember you are not sentenced to their company for the rest of your life because they are a part of your bloodline.
Live Fearlessly! Love Passionately!
And Whatever Happens
After that are Simply Details!
I pray that you are “Resting In Peace” and that Your Eternal Soul Is Finally Free from the Life You Endured Here on Earth!
Your Loving Daughter!