What had I created? What had I done?
It was too late to turn back now.
After a couple of weeks corresponding several times a day with his mysterious online mistress (me) – I now felt that he had developed just the right amount of trust (in her being who he though she was) necessary to move forward in getting more intimate with the questioning. He was definitely convinced that she was the woman from California. He looked forward to his conversations with her and opened up to answering her questions about his family, his life, and his wife. I had been with him over twelve years by this time and was shocked to learn some of his deepest secrets and fears. I was evenly shocked at his thoughts about me.
It was though he was ALIVE for
the first time EVER.
I was almost finding pleasure in
seeing him so happy.
In a weird sort of way!
This affair (if you can even call it that) went on for over four months and during this time everything that I thought he was judging me on – he actually was. The way he spoke of me to her was crushing at first, but then I began to feel the blessing in all of it. If anything it was absolutely reassuring to me that I wasn’t completely delusional. Although, I had to remain as if nothing in our relationship was different – it was business as usual.
I believe with every fiber in my body that the words he wrote to her in the emails were therapy for him – therapy that money can’t buy. Revealing (even to himself) that he had simply settled for someone he really didn’t love. But I don’t think that I had ever loved him either. I guess you could say, there was no love loss here.
Needless to say – our marriage was over once the dust settled.
The sanctifying in all of this was that I realized the need and want to improve myself. Mainly, I wanted to be a “Better Me a Better Person”. This is when my true journey began – but closing one chapter and opening a new one takes time and would prove to be challenging. First I would have to overcome any resentment, guilt, shame, or blaming after all; I did pick the Cloak up and put it on – now it was time to “Believe in the Magic“.
As I look back at how all of this unfolded I now realize that long before any of this happened I had already planted the seed of intention for my spiritual growth. I had then unwittingly been cultivating the growth of my wanting to change – through the Universe via the the law of attraction. And now that the bud of evolution had poked its head out of the ground there was no turning back. Now having the clarity in knowing that the first rodeo was over – the foundation of the new me was effortlessly falling into place.
“So many of us never get the opportunity to watch our destiny unfold…we simply
stay stuck in fear of the unknown. We resist what could have been and just die
without truly living – in the end.”
This was one of the most revolutionary things that has ever happened to me in my entire adult life, and even though hurtful at times; without it I wouldn’t be able to help others, including myself, understand that “Worthiness” is here inside of us. Don’t let anyone steal it from you…
The most perplexing contrast to my experience is how extremely grateful I remained while traveling through the portal of all of it. Crazy, I know but incredibly reassuring that something better was on the other side if only I remained in a state of gratitude instead of resentment.
Although, it was quite difficult for me to put the mop down; it was equally difficult for me to stop doing/putting the chores aside that I was basing my value as a person on.They were and sometimes still are my comfort zone; a place to fall back when new opportunity knocks and I’m scared to open the door. Once I am aware of this – then things begin to move in a forward motion once again and the mop goes back into the closet.
As I journeyed into uncharted territory in pursuit of a new reflection of me – I found that old habits are hard to break – but I did it, and do it every day, one day at a time, the best I know how, and that is good enough for me. I do however, like a clean house; I just don’t go overboard, and I make sure that it is because I want to do it but it’s “OKAY” if things aren’t perfect or don’t get done.
During this time I knew nothing about meditation, or the law of attraction, awareness, non resistance, or any of that stuff. I just trusted my instincts and believed that God had never let me down – so why in the world would He start now. I kept the faith!
I then, intentionally fed new intentions (via my thoughts) into the Universe – then I learned to let go of the thoughts, and low and behold, God delivered as promised.
I’m not saying that by any means were my methods something you want to endure or were even right. I’m just saying that if you can quiet your mind just long enough to get the thought out there (plant the seed and water them) – God will do the rest for you. He will provide the avenue you need to take to put you on the right street.
You will benefit by knowing that sometimes we just need a new tool in our toolbox (law of attraction) to test the positive and negative ports of our life path. Once we understand this, the rest is a cakewalk.
“It’s okay to love fearlessly but life is
too short to love someone else
more than yourself – so don’t.”